I haven't gone anywhere!

I really have been here but like so many people the summer throws my routines into a blender and spits them out on the pavement (and it is usually a mess we just step over and say "when school starts, we will deal with it then").

I have been pretty busy and getting to a real computer is very hard to do. Blogging from my phone is next to impossible but I do post at least once a day on my Facebook Page (just click those words and you to can "like" it and see sweaty mess photos and what I ate that day and whatever else pops in my head).

So since the Mud Run at the end of June I have done a Firecracker 5k (July 4th) in Corunna, MI. It is right next to where I grew up and it is a baby race. This is the 3rd year it has been put on and since most of my family is involved with the events going on that day (including a parade, car show, historical village tours, bounce houses and much more) it was really a great race. The temps were 100+ so for me it was just completing the 3 miles under an hour again. Heat really messes with endurance so I never think too much on my times during these hot ones. That being said, with Losing It Daddy by my side, we did it in 48 min. Along the way my Uncle Tim was pointing people to where they needed to go and my Aunt Merilee, "Aunt" Susan, and many other family and friends were at the end. The day was also full of bouncing in the bounce house, visiting grandparents at the historical school (giving the boys a lesson in 1900 punishments of the Dunce timeout, nose on chalk board and cleaning erasers), and pool time (or heaven time as the temps were killer). We didn't stay for fireworks since the children had a long day and I was in bed before 10 pm.

Since then I have been doing the Lose A Marathon Challenge and doing quite well. According to my scale (which we all know is not the most accurate thing in the world) I started at 215 and as of Monday July 16th, 2012 it read 207.5. We entered into week 5 so I feel I am pretty well on track for losing 26.2 lbs in 13 weeks.

Along with the main challenge, each week a mini challenge is issued. To be quite honest I have been reading them and following the half-assed. I start out well but by Tuesday evening I throw in the towel. This week, however, I have been following the challenge pretty well. It truly is a challenge since it is something that I have feared for the past 12 years. We are to photograph everything we eat/drink and post it on Facebook (or just to share it with others). For some people they may just use the challenge to be accountable for what they eat but for me it is a real eye opener to how/why I gained so much weight.

Looking back I can see how it all happened. I don't know the exact trigger since I don't remember having an issue with it as a kid, but as an adult I would hide all the things I ate. I started eating cream horns in the dark while I watched tv. I didn't even want to see what I was eating (or how much). Then I tried to do the Slim Fast plan but was embarrassed that I was drinking them so I would drink them when no one was looking. I don't really know what embarrassed me about them, I guess it was that I was admitting I could not eat properly and needed help. Of course the fact that I was ashamed of needing help, it didn't last long.

A few years later (and now 60 extra lbs) I would leave work and go hit "fast food row" on my lunch break. It wasn't uncommon for me to stop and get a slushy from White Castle, Whopper from Burger King, fries from McDonalds and a taco from Taco Bell (yes I am sick even writing about it). I would hide the bags from one place to the next so the person working the drive thru wouldn't see I had already got something from somewhere else. Then I would find a park and eat as fast as I could so I could get back without anyone seeing all the crap I was eating.

When I was pregnant I would use the excuse of the growing child to also binge on food but still would not really eat in front of many people. I added 100 lbs from 1999 to 2012 most of which I did without letting myself actually see what I was eating. Sugar and fat became my drug of choice. I hid it like I was hiding the fact that I was shooting up (I really WASN'T using, but making the comparison). The more I ate the less satisfied I was with my fix that I would up the ante. Losing It Daddy and I would have competitions with our food, stating we would not let it defeat us. The Taco Box was our favorite challenge, each eating 6 tacos from Taco Bell. Then we would also eat a king size candy bar. Trust me we felt like hell after and it really wasn't the accomplishment I wanted to broadcast.

Even on the 4th of July this year I felt the need to justify my heaping plate to people I walked by. They were family and knew I had 3 hungry boys waiting for me at the table but I still had to inform people as I walked by I wasn't really eating the two hot dogs and mac and cheese I had on my plate.  I know that they were all family and friends and no one would ever think or say anything but I still felt like the "fat" girl carrying the obvious reason for why I was fat.

Another reason that this is such a challenge is because I still doubt that I am eating in a healthy way. There are so many ways to eat now a days with vegan, vegetarian, paleo, clean, atkins, etc that I always fear having someone look at my meals and cringe. I like food, all kinds, and could not see myself leaving anything out. That could be a cupcake or a big bowl of brussle sprouts (yes I truly love them). I try to keep each meal with at least a serving of fruit and vegetables, a carb, and a protein. I also aim to keep the dairy down to 2-3 servings a day (I blame my mom who drank up to a gallon of milk a day when she was pregnant with me for my love of dairy). Yet with all that I know that someone out there will look at something and tell me how I am doing it wrong and they know why I am not losing weight.

So with all that I have embraced this challenge and started photographing my meals. I am posting everyday on my Facebook Page a collage of that days meals and hoping to make sure I have all those food groups. I will admit that yesterday I added carrots to my dinner because I didn't have anything from the fruit/veggie category on my plate. They were really good too and kept me from snacking before bed.

I hope that if you can relate to this story at all you have found the reason for the binge eating or have started to look at how/why you eat the way you do. It is a daily struggle and you are not alone.

The saying is weight loss is 30% in the gym and 70% in the kitchen. I have the gym part down now to work on the kitchen, daily.

Losing It Momma